The Funny Farm

When we bought our 1904 Queen Anne Victorian home a few years back, the former owner told us all about the pecans. He said that on many years he made enough from pecan sales to pay his taxes (!) Hurrah! So I have watched these pecan trees, researched about what to do with them, asked the old folks how to properly harvest them, etc. But -- the former owner also warned us about the squirrels. When we were in the process of buying the house, we kept hearing this odd, high-pitched squeal which seemed to be coming from above. We wondered if it was some kind of alarm that had gone haywire. It certainly sounded like an alarm, and put my teeth on edge every time we came onto the property. When Ken's cousin, an old-house-specialist, inspected the property, he went straight up into the attic and turned the noise off. Come to find out, they were "chirpers" that were made to chase off squirrels. For the first time, everything seemed peaceful at the house and I didn't feel like I was in the middle of a Psycho movie. I was very happy to be shed of that noise.

Time has gone by. We moved into the house, unloaded all the boxes, got to painting and decorating... with no evidence of squirrels, much. Our cats killed a few baby ones, but I wasn't hearing anybody squirreling around in the attic. Until yesterday. Now the pecans are in full regalia, starting to plop down on the roof and yard....every time I cross the yard I get several large pocketfuls. And the squirrels know it too. Yesterday, with the weather getting chilly, they knew they better set up camp. So as I am doing my morning reading, I heard the sound of boards being moved. I am not joking. I thought my neighbor across the street was jostling something out of his truck. But no -- it was above my head in the study. Sounded for all the world like boards being moved. We already exorcised all the ghosts and demons, so I knew it had to be the squirrels. This morning, I heard more noise. This time, it sounded like they were digging up there. There is nothing to dig into except insulation. So I guess they've moved the floor boards, dug into the insulation and are now building their condo. 

I got online to find out how to get rid of squirrels. There are several options:
  1) Trap them and relocate them. This means that the squirrels actually have to walk into your trap, supposedly baited with the best peanut butter you can find. This does not work. Apparently, the squirrels are smarter than us and know not to go in there. I was told today, as well, that it is not legal to relocate squirrels. Citizen's arrest?

  2) Shoot them with a pellet gun. We live right in town, with neighbors on all sides. I don't think they'd like it if they look over and I've got a gun sighted in their vicinity. One of the neighbors told me recently that the former owner of this house was visited by the police for nearly whizzing somebody while he was shooting at squirrels. A little morning exercises might do me some good though. I guess it depends on how insane I get about the Visitors in the Attic. Citizen's arrest?

3) Hire some bozos who charge a gozillion dollars to come up and seal up our house and trap the squirrels, relocating them legally. Don't have a gozillion dollars and don't have a whole lot of faith in bozos. 

4) Turn the chirpers back on. Watch Mama finally wind up in the psych ward.

5) Put the cats in the attic. Now I'm kinda likin' that option. I bet they would too. But, then again, ASPCA might be on our tail if they found out. Citizen's arrest?

So since I don't have those formerly mentioned dollars and our options are limited....I guess you'll see me in the papers soon. Hopefully somebody will bail me out.
Victory Touring Cruiser 26" Men's Cruiser Bicycle - Cruisers & (Google Affiliate Ad)Victory Touring Cruiser 26" Men's Cruiser Bicycle - Cruisers & (Google Affiliate Ad)Chenille Kraft Paper Mache Classroom Boxes Kit - Art Supplies & (Google Affiliate Ad)Charles Leonard Wood Craft Sticks - Art Supplies & Accessories (Google Affiliate Ad)