I'm on day 18 of a bootcamp, done through my weight loss group. Bootcamp. That's where things are rough, you work your tail off, and don't get much to eat. Day 18. I've lost five pounds in 18 days. That's crazy, since I have about 60 more to go. I began to feel really bad a few days ago, struggling with whether I should stay on this "island" or not. Back and forth, back and forth. I almost stopped. Then I got back my resolve. But then, this morning, after having had victorious thoughts and heart, I began to wrestle in my head about my stunted weight loss. I was angry at God, scared that I might not be able to lose weight....that somehow it is impossible for me to lose more weight and that I would be stuck at this size no matter what I did. Then I got really mad. All this effort, all this sacrifice, and so little result.
This was all happening on my way home from the pool, where I had dutifully swam my 45 minutes this morning. Oh yeah, and I have been swimming an hour, 4-5 times a week....on top of eating 2 healthy meals a day. So you see my attitude here? I began to cry out to God, "God, please tell me what to do! Give me a sign." I don't really believe in signs too much..... I've been burnt way too many times by the deceitfulness of my own heart and, like my pastor brother says, the taco I had last night. I believe that the truth lies in the Scriptures and we have to guard our minds against second sight and the whims of the wind. I have seen way too many people leave husbands, jump into financial ruin, or lose their minds over what they thought God was telling them. Saying all that, however, God gives us wisdom and He uses all manner of things to get our attention. Questions I ask myself: does this line up with Scripture? is this my flesh or the devil or God? etc. And this definitely did....
So here I am, winding my way down the road. I had plugged in my little ipod shuffle into my ears....listening to Nate Currin's "Pilgrim" album. It has been very inspirational to me during my battle with my weight demons. It is a musical journey telling the story of Pilgrim's Progress, taken from a life that has paralleled the tale. As I was asking God about what I'm supposed to do, I tuned my brain in to what was playing on my ipod. Here were the words:
"Hold on fast and don't give in... through this maze of profit. The bitter path is worth the end, and all the pain we suffer. Down in this river we call the Pleasant One. Though you're tired, carry on.
Now You're walking by my side. I'm not alone. And though a thousand miles away, You feel like home, home. But hold on fast and don't give in....through this maze of profit. The bitter path is worth the end, and all the pain we suffer. Down in this river we call the Pleasant One. Though you're tired, carry on." - Nate Currin, The Pilgrim
Kinda gave me goose pimples, it hit home so closely. Then the next song came on, and these were the words to it:
The path that we chose delivered us here.
Too proud to go back, shaken in fear.
The castle was strong, covered in red.
Shackled for days, starving for bread.
What have I done to earn this despair?
This dungeon's so dark, there's must in the air.
I silently sit, faced to a wall.
I'm broken, doubting it all.
The bones and the skulls of those here before
mocked us from corners, moss-covered floors.
We sat up all night, in the cell where we prayed.
The sun broke the cracks in the walls where we laid.
What have we done to earn this despair?
This dungeon's so dark, there's death everywhere.
We silently sit, faced to a wall.
We're broken, doubting it all.
Unless I can taste, unless I can see, unless I can feel Your scars..... I won't believe....
Unless I can taste, unless I can see, unless I can feel Your scars..... I won't believe....
Oh give me faith, to find the key.
Its name is Promise. It sets us free...." - Nate Currin, The Pilgrim (obviously highly recommended....buy it on amazon.com)
Those two songs spoke what my heart was wrestling with. Bitterness, pain, suffering, doubt. To an outsider it may seem that I'm making a big deal about a small thing. But it is not. We either wrestle with sin or we surrender to it. It's pretty apparent I've done a lot of surrendering.
As I pondered these words, it hit me how very weak I am. I've indulged myself for many years, many banquets, desserts, cakes, cookies and large portions.... deceiving myself that I was being moderate and suffering from a metabolic problem. At the first sign of a serious weight stall, I just about give up and surrender, acting like a spoiled toddler, stamping my feet and shaking my fist at God. Years have gone by where I did not seriously face this demon. I get my heart aligned for, what, three months, and expect instant results and no slow-downs. No, I demanded them.
All that I can say is, I thank God He doesn't give up on me....and that I don't get what I really deserve. His grace and His resolve live in my heart. I am grateful to Him that He's showing me the depths of those dungeons, breaking me, and setting me free.
