What a season! I have never been so happy for the Christmas season to be over as I was this year. We have much more to be thankful than a year ago (three new grandbaby girls, Liz' senior year of college, the house is all painted inside, both still working, I've lost a total of 60 pounds now, busy in Villa Rica doings, God is merciful, etc.) but wow, all this holiday fal-de-ral (sp?) I know that it should not be this crazy and that Jesus is supposed to be the reason for the season and all that, but it was hard to find any serenity this year. When did we get so gift-crazed and nuts? I've never seen more grumpy shoppers than I saw this year. We are missing it. I need to take some serious time and contemplate what needs to change in our family. We now have precious grandchildren and I want our traditions to be sweet and memorable, not rushed and guilty.
The real problem on this corner is me. Yes, me. I see that I blogged, what, about three months ago, about the trial I was going through concerning a MRSA staph infection. Here it is, technically four months into this trial, and I am finally starting to truly get to the roots of my stubborn heart. You think ya know, but then.... time, trials and twists begin to affect what is really in there. Trusting God is a platitude that we speak often. It's tritely thrown out there like a mint after dinner. Neat, tidy, refreshing. Sugar, saccharine-sweet. Godly. Appropriate. But when things in the real world begin to go sour, when I don't get the answers that I desperately seek, or when my timetable and God's timetable don't seem to be in sync.... well, yuck.
We all have sin tendencies, whether we admit it or not. It can be a tendency towards bitterness or worry or fear or addiction, to mention a few. I tend towards debauchery and fear. Two opposites that love each others' company for some reason. As we drove Liz back to college, right after the holidays, I was sad and angry. I was not happy that she only had a few days at home and had to go back so soon for her basketball team. Reallllly not happy that her dorm apartment is off campus and that she would be alone down there without a car or transportation for a month. Also not happy that I have to trust God to protect her from everything, especially aggressive, non-qualifying male-types that flutter about her smoldering beauty like moths to a flame. Except these moths carry blow-torches and bombs. The coach put another teammate with her in the apartment, but of course it was not the one that I would have wanted to stay with her. I wanted her to be 100% safe. Meanwhile, I have a couple of MRSA spots pop up and Liz contracts a strange rash right before she goes back to school. Am I going mad? Sounds like it.
"My yoke is easy and my burden is light." Jesus said that. I think about that a lot.
The next day, after Liz goes back (and I find out about the "wrong" roommate, not remembering that God chose her)....I go into freak-out mode. I wanted to go back up there and get her, bring her back home. I'm so twisted inside about everything, I can't see straight. My body is betraying me. I have lost all this weight, just to go into some sort of nutso sickness....in fact, I can't keep from getting sick. I've had a stomach virus, several colds and the flu, on top of the constant threat of anything resembling a pimple on my body turning into a monster.
I go into the kitchen before church, mad at God (and Ken for always being so cantankerously calm). I sit down with my bowl of probiotics (read: yogurt) to restore my impoverished gut flora (can I scream now?).... and I said, in so many words and thoughts...."God, I don't know what to do. I can't make myself well. I can't hover over my daughter and protect her from the wolves, the devil or even herself. This was all so simple when I was young and my children were small and things were answered with a yes or no, a swat on the butt or a hug. Do You mean for me to die of this MRSA crap? I'm scared of the public pool now....so how am I supposed to exercise? Why don't we ever have any money? Why is Christmas such a guilt trip? I think everybody is mad at me and I'm not sure why. We need to paint the outside trim on the house or it's going to rot and fall down. Are they going to let me play flute at church anymore? I don't know if I like this new pastor they are calling. I want Pastor Jon back. Where is Pastor Jon when you need him? In Charleston, whaaaaaa! Who in the heck is going to take down all these (4) stinkin' Christmas trees? Why is Ken so calm when it's a perfect time to panic?!!!"
I laid my head on my chest and let it pour out. I started bawling. Ken ran into the kitchen and asked if I were okay. Then, "Should I stay in here or do you want to be alone?" "I DON'T KNOW!!!!!" These poor guys. You have to feel for them.....
I suddenly realized how much I had not trusted God for anything in the last few months. I didn't believe that He could take care of anything and that it was all up to me and my devices and decisions. I had worked myself into panic and fear. Sure, there are decisions to make and things that I can and should do. But in the midst of that, you can get so overpowered that you end up muffled, two inches under the surface of the water. You're close enough to reach up and get a breath but you can't, because you're paralyzed and your feet are stuck in the mud. Not to mention that you can't seem to know or remember what it is you are supposed to do. And then you are reminded that you haven't juiced a thing in months..... maybe we really are all just insane.
As I poured out my heart to the Lord, I mentally, again, wrapped my arms around the cross and laid my head at His feet. I confessed my sin of unbelief, my lack of ability to trust Him, and asked Him to carry me through. If I think about the trials other people face, well....I don't know how they do it. Because those aren't my trials. These are my own trials. He allowed them, just in time, just enough. I asked Him to speak peace to me through the sermon that morning. Dried my tears, hugged Ken really big, and then we got on with our morning. Of course, when we got to church, the pastor that is being interviewed for our pulpit spoke:
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=123013829497
It was about the birth of Christ, the impossibilities of the day, and God's sovereign hand over the tiniest, dirtiest details (like poop in a stable) and how God directed the most beautiful redemption of His people through the humblest of situations. He sent me His message of peace then and there. Not to mention, answered my questions about our new pastor right along with it.
Rest. Go quiet, restless heart. (Oh yeah?! But, yeah). Go to His Word. Know that He is God. Do I believe that? Yes. Do I trust Him and His Word? Yes, by the faith He gives me, I do. Not by my own internal buzzing, that's for sure. Listen. His Holy Spirit is here. He's got it all.
