I Am NOT Competitive!

Sco-crares. That's what our son, Daniel, used to call scarecrows when he was little. He also would call anything resembling a skeleton a "serious man." Why do you call them that, Daniel? Well Mama, have you ever seen one?! So with him in mind, I endeavored to make a scarecrow for Villa Rica's annual contest, for the company I work with, Southern Homes and Land Realty. But what does a real estate agent scarecrow look like? I imagined her holding a phone to her ear, a briefcase in one hand, wearing her professional duds and lookin' spiffy. That just seemed boring. Then I mused about a country real estate girl dressed in overalls. But every scarecrow looks like that. Then it hit me....

Some of my favorite phrases are:
"I'll think about it tomorrow." "After all, tomorrow is another day." "Well fiddle-dee-dee." "Rhett, the Yankees are comin'!" "Whateva shall I do?!" And then I thought about Miss Scarlett and her love of the land (which incidentally, I love too, along with the smell of sawdust and fresh sheetrock)....and her Daddy's admonishment: "Land. It's the only thing that lasts." So that led to remembering about when Scarlett conspired to trick Rhett into paying the taxes on Tara. The Yankees had taken everything valuable from the house....except those gorgeous green drapes hanging in the parlor. Which led to....remembering when Carol Burnett did a Gone With the Wind spoof. She tore down the curtains, ran up the stairs and then descended with them transformed into a dress, complete with a curtain rod sticking out from her shoulders and tassels in her hair. It's one of the times in my life where I nearly got sick from laughing so hard. Hence, my inspiration....

I haunted the thrift stores in Villa Rica and dug through piles of fabric, curtains and bedspreads. I was able to find tassels, green fabric, curtain rods and a black wig to make a semblance of ole' Scarlett. I reincarnated her into a real estate agent, with a big honkin' curtain rod and the proclamation, "Buy land, it's the only thing that lasts!" I had the bright idea to use a pumpkin for her head. Painted it creamy white and put big crazy green eyes on it. With a twist of genius, I plopped it on top of a headless mannequin, dressed her and proceeded to put her in my van. But I forgot about the gravity. The head met the pavement with a sickening splat. I put the whole thing up anyway outside our office: Scarlett O'Scary with the cracked head. I left for Home Depot and bought another pumpkin. Rewind, with no mishaps this time, but her eyes were definitely bigger. We left that day and were gone for a week. We got back and drove by Southern Homes and Land. There in all her glory was Scarlett the Headless. No head, just a body and a wig. While we were away she apparently breezed through another role: Scarlett the Zombie (With the Rotted Head). I surrendered and bought a styrofoam head from the craft store. Painted her up once again (third time's a charm and her eyes are enormous now) and snuck up there after hours with my husband to help me. We rigged her up with enough pins and wire to ground a lightning rod. I got insanely busy these last two weeks and didn't pay any attention to her until I noticed her listing to the east, with her head lolling onto her shoulder.  I told Ken I was done with trying to make that dumb scarecrow work and that they already did the contest judging anyway so why in the sam hill would I care if her head fell clean off at this point?

But then. I read that the contest judging was tomorrow morning. I had already worked and eaten myself into a 10:00 television-watching-stupor when I realized this fact. Ken said to just get up with the sunrise and fix her. I cannot tell you how evil that man can be about the crack of dawn. He jumps up like a squirrel on steroids. Every. Single. Day. Not me. I knew that if I waited 'til morning, it would never happen. So I put on my tackiest pink Crocs and started sloshing out the door. Ken grabbed his hat and said I'm coming too. With a spool of wire, a fistful of hat pins and some twine, we tethered and pinned her poor head back to her body and double-jacked her to the lamp post. 

I never saw my life going this way. Tacky, clandestine, dark-ops missions to downtown Villa Rica in the middle of the night. Weird preoccupations with winning gaudy ribbons. Dreaming about all the different ways I can decorate a mannequin. I'm tellin' ya, I thank God I got a fella that jumps right in the pond with me. But I dang sure better win that contest...