Sowing Love

Back when we were young, early to marriage, I heard a counselor say that it was prudent to deal with issues as they crop up, because those issues become seeds that grow and then sprout and bloom twenty, thirty, fourty years later. In other words, pull up the bad weeds as soon as they poke their heads up. That is easier said than done, but especially when you don't heed the sage advice and the roots grow deep and twisted over time. I am currently helping a divorced couple that we have known for decades to sell their home. They had a pile of kids, a beautiful house, a full life...but the early weeds were never pulled up. Now it's a mess and a tragedy in their "golden years." When the commotion of raising children begins to calm down and the thicket gets mown down, the bad roots show themselves. Can they navigate the rest of their lives, now that everything seems done for?  

I am in the empty nest myself. It was finally, fully manifested about six years ago. It didn't happen overnight...the three sons married 17, 14 and 14 years ago (yes, two of our sons married four weeks apart. FOUR!) All through our 43+ years, Ken has always made it a priority for us to date, so I was acquainted with the man, but nothing prepares you for the day that last one leaves and there's a lot of space between you and him. And the differences between us, the opposite-ness, the things that drew us towards one another back in the dewy days of youth, suddenly become irritating. There are wars of no small nature occurring: The Thermostat Wars, The War of The Minutia, The Battle of The Extrovert vs. The Introvert, The Crusades of Redistributing Housework, and The Who-Has-The-Most-Aches-and-Pains Skirmish. Trivialities can kill a marriage. If we let our world become too small, the lint in the bellybutton can ignite a roaring fire.

Giving thanks is one of the golden keys to staying married. I tell young women who ask me for advice that if they will do this one thing, it can start a transformation in their marriage: as you go about your day, find one thing to praise your husband for. Not a list, just one single, honest thing. It has to be truthful. Then tell him that evening. If I put that one item in my head early in my day, by the time Ken gets home, my attitude has bloomed to glowing. It is human nature to forget the things that put us together, to not remember the better parts of our partner. I keep a picture of my 24-year-old hottie husband taped to the computer on my desk. I remember him, with palpitations. But what matters more are the mountains and storms we have traversed over these years, the ways that we forgive each other along the way (because we are both excellent sinners), the places we have grown, and what we have to be thankful for. The wrinkles, the gray hairs, the chubby parts, the grumpy parts, the difficult years, these are not the things of Hallmark movies...but they are the marks of life ongoing. And love can walk through fire without blinking.